Monthly Archives: April 2017

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Student Shocked to Discover Unisex Toilets Not Actually Used for Sex

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Jason B. ¦Writer ¦ Breaking News

” They really need to be more specific. I thought unisex stood for sex at uni”

A student at the University of Wollongong has today discovered that unisex toilets are so named because they are for use by students of any gender, and not because they are intended to be used for actual sexual intercourse at university.

Dave, a first year commerce student, struggled to understand why he is being severely disciplined by UOW administration for engaging in intercourse with Gina, partner of one week, in one of the unisex toilets in building 19.

“I mean, I thought that’s what they were there for”, he said upon being reprimanded for his actions. “They really need to be more specific. I thought unisex stood for sex at uni…or even U-N-I (you and I) sex, y’know, to clarify for our foreign exchange students. It’s pretty misleading. Why else would they put so many free condoms in there?”

The University of Wollongong is taking strong action against Dave to deter this sort of behaviour. Recent incidents seem to indicate that first year students are failing to comprehend such conduct is not appropriate on campus.

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How to be a Wannabe Bodybuilder at University

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Giuseppe P. + Daniel R.H. ¦ A Smoking Duck ‘How To’ Guide


7:30am – Wake up. The world is waiting. ‘Waiting for what?’ you ask. Waiting for you, silly. Everyone is waiting for you. It’s time to rise and grace everyone with your presence.

8am – Time to get dressed. No matter the weather, always opt for a singlet. It’s the closest alternative to actually being shirtless. Plus being shirtless would be unfair to the girls in your class, considering there are no clothes dryers at uni.

8:40am – It would be utterly heartbreaking for one of your beloved disciples if a non-lifter impeded their view of you. You are the highlight of their day. To avoid this issue, you must walk into class 10 minutes late.

8:41am – Maintain your form as you walk to your seat! Don’t let the attention get to you. Imagine you are carrying a basketball under each arm. Swing those arms high.

8:45am – Open your computer and head straight to www.bodybuilding.com. Now everyone in your immediate proximity knows that you lift.

8:47am – Pull out your red Tupperware container filled with the prepared meal of chicken and rice that Mum made you last night. You’re not going to eat it though. Just leave it there on the table. Now everyone in your moderate proximity knows that you lift.

8:49am – Pull out your protein shake. Shake it hard, interrupt the tutor if need be. The tutor won’t understand. He doesn’t even lift. If you shake hard and long enough everyone will eventually turn around. This is good! Now everyone in the room knows that you lift! Well done, you have acquired all of their respect.

1:35pm – Lunchtime. Find a central seat where everyone will be able to see you. If possible, situate yourself near some Drama major students. This contrast will allow people to comprehend just how much of a beast you actually are.

1:40pm – Classmates walk past without making direct eye contact. Don’t even worry, they are just intimidated by the sheer size of you. I’m sure they will build up the courage to come say hi soon enough.

1:45pm – You overhear the same classmates talking about a house party they went to over the weekend. That’s fine. Whatever. You didn’t want to go to that party anyway.

4:30pm – The best part of the day. This is what you live for. Gym time. Would you look at that, triceps and biceps for the third time this week. They are the most important muscle groups.

4:35pm – The classmate that ignored you at lunch enters the gym. He seems to be benching more than you. Well, at least now you now know that he is on steroids.

6pm – You go home. Your best friend is waiting for you. You wave. He waves. You wink at him. He winks straight back. You strike a bicep flex. He cranks the same pose! He just understands you like no one else. One day you two will find a way to break the glass so you can finally be together.

10pm – You’re in bed thinking about today’s success. All those people at uni who actually got to see you! How happy must they be! You know what the best part is? You get to do it all again tomorrow. Sweet dreams my prince.

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Liberal Arts Students Fight Over Best ‘Sticky Fingers’ Album

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Riley J ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

In what was described as ‘one of the saddest displays of human aggression of the 21st century’, local wankers Hunter Gooding and Patrick ‘Paddy’ McCorrmac were escorted from The Grand Hotel, after a fist fight broke out in the smoking area, on Wednesday night.

The two men were overheard discussing the works of Australian Stoner rock band Sticky Finger, when an argument broke out over whether 2013’s Caress Your Soul or 2014’s Land of Pleasure was the bands best work.

“Oh yeah, they were pretty fucking loud, then one of them smacked the other and then the tie dye shirts were off” says eye witness, Blake Russell. This marks the third incident of violence in the Australian Stoner rock culture this week, after a 15-man brawl broke out in Melbourne over the merits of Tame Impala’s Currents, and the stabbing of a Newtown man over his criticism of Violent Soho’s Hungry Ghost.

Grand Hotel staff member Georgia Simmons noted the carnage saying “Three bucket hats were left behind, plus rolling papers. An absolute disgrace.”

The two men are expected to rematch at University of Wollongong’s Unibar on April 20th, when Dunerats perform. Local kebab shops have begun bidding for sponsorship rights.

An American Werewolf in Australia pt 2.

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Sam B. ¦ Writer ¦ American Correspondent ¦ Bit of a whinger as well

Day 7: I ordered a voltage converter from a local Australian company as soon as I got here, and it still has yet to arrive. I have drawn several conclusions from this: one, Australia’s capitalism is not catered to the instant gratification that an American such as myself depends on to keep death away from my mind at all times; two, this “laid back” lifestyle epitomized by an overwhelming beach culture (not a single piece of which has EVER come out of the US, look it up) must be the result of inherent laziness in Australians, which I’m going to blame on the effects of socialism that I have plenty of evidence to support, like rising tuition, real estate, and private healthcare costs; and three, I still look like a werewolf because I can’t dang shave, and I refuse to support a stupid hippie economy by going out and buying a new razor. The fact that I bought a voltage converter from a local business is not relevant here, because I did that before I became enlightened, and I can still like unenlightened me even if I disagree with him sometimes, especially if it benefits current me. That’s called being an adult.

Ordinarily, this turn of events would leave me inconsolably upset. Luckily, I’m operating on the advice of my therapist to channel my anger into something destructive, which I’ve turned into this column. Or was it something constructive? Oh well, I’m sure the results will be the same. At any rate, it has given me a purpose: to document all the horrible things that I can see while I am here. I will continue writing tomorrow when I head up to Sydney for the first time. I plan on walking, because any other mode of transportation would require spending money, and as I outlined before, nuh-uh.

Day 8: Walking was a bad idea. It decided to rain today, which didn’t help. At least the weather’s looking good for tomorrow. I’m going to have to rest in the bush, which I’m assuming is what Australians call their motels. But after this, I’ll enter a new phase of enlightenment where I really won’t spend any money, and Australia will tremble before me!

Day 9: Oh, but how I tremble before Australia, like its prisoners of yore, but in not so wretched a state! Can I begin to count the blues in the sea and sky of the Sydney Harbor? The ones I have never seen before alone could fill volumes! And the magnificent Opera House, a testament to man’s vision and determination provided he is allowed to go millions of dollars over budget! And the glimmering architecture, reaching to the sky like Earth’s fingers to God! And oh, the Australian sun; that mine eyes were not so lowly that I could stare at it for more than seconds at a time! It is this last one that truly enraptures my senses so; there is surely nothing so brilliant on this planet, nothing so glorious in all the cosmos than the Australian sun! Long may it burn, and long live the land it gives life!

Day 10: This is the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life. I hate Australia again.

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Local Madman Superlikes Classmate on Tinder

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Cal B. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

University of Wollongong student Daniel Sullivan has taken the plunge and superliked his classmate, after a drunken swipe session on popular dating app Tinder on Tuesday afternoon. The engineering student superliked one of the only girls in his course after 3 beers, a move he has come to regret.

“I didn’t really have any plan for how I thought this would work. I will probably have class with her, if she doesn’t quit” Sullivan commented.

This marks Sullivan’s second superliking incident, the first which resulted in a change of tutorial times for the classmate.

“After this, there will be only like, 3 girls left in engineering. That is why I believe there needs to be more women in STEM” Sullivan continued.

Sullivan has promised the Head of Engineering, Dr Michael Xing, not to superlike anymore girls, and return to staring silently from a distance, imagining conversation.

“It is probably best for both parties if he never talks to engineering girls again,” Dr Xing said. “and starts dating down. Maybe he can try medicine, or law.”