Sam B. ¦ Writer ¦ American Correspondent ¦ Bit of a whinger as well
Day 7: I ordered a voltage converter from a local Australian company as soon as I got here, and it still has yet to arrive. I have drawn several conclusions from this: one, Australia’s capitalism is not catered to the instant gratification that an American such as myself depends on to keep death away from my mind at all times; two, this “laid back” lifestyle epitomized by an overwhelming beach culture (not a single piece of which has EVER come out of the US, look it up) must be the result of inherent laziness in Australians, which I’m going to blame on the effects of socialism that I have plenty of evidence to support, like rising tuition, real estate, and private healthcare costs; and three, I still look like a werewolf because I can’t dang shave, and I refuse to support a stupid hippie economy by going out and buying a new razor. The fact that I bought a voltage converter from a local business is not relevant here, because I did that before I became enlightened, and I can still like unenlightened me even if I disagree with him sometimes, especially if it benefits current me. That’s called being an adult.
Ordinarily, this turn of events would leave me inconsolably upset. Luckily, I’m operating on the advice of my therapist to channel my anger into something destructive, which I’ve turned into this column. Or was it something constructive? Oh well, I’m sure the results will be the same. At any rate, it has given me a purpose: to document all the horrible things that I can see while I am here. I will continue writing tomorrow when I head up to Sydney for the first time. I plan on walking, because any other mode of transportation would require spending money, and as I outlined before, nuh-uh.
Day 8: Walking was a bad idea. It decided to rain today, which didn’t help. At least the weather’s looking good for tomorrow. I’m going to have to rest in the bush, which I’m assuming is what Australians call their motels. But after this, I’ll enter a new phase of enlightenment where I really won’t spend any money, and Australia will tremble before me!
Day 9: Oh, but how I tremble before Australia, like its prisoners of yore, but in not so wretched a state! Can I begin to count the blues in the sea and sky of the Sydney Harbor? The ones I have never seen before alone could fill volumes! And the magnificent Opera House, a testament to man’s vision and determination provided he is allowed to go millions of dollars over budget! And the glimmering architecture, reaching to the sky like Earth’s fingers to God! And oh, the Australian sun; that mine eyes were not so lowly that I could stare at it for more than seconds at a time! It is this last one that truly enraptures my senses so; there is surely nothing so brilliant on this planet, nothing so glorious in all the cosmos than the Australian sun! Long may it burn, and long live the land it gives life!
Day 10: This is the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life. I hate Australia again.