Giuseppe P. + Daniel R.H. ¦ A Smoking Duck ‘How To’ Guide
7:30am – Wake up. The world is waiting. ‘Waiting for what?’ you ask. Waiting for you, silly. Everyone is waiting for you. It’s time to rise and grace everyone with your presence.
8am – Time to get dressed. No matter the weather, always opt for a singlet. It’s the closest alternative to actually being shirtless. Plus being shirtless would be unfair to the girls in your class, considering there are no clothes dryers at uni.
8:40am – It would be utterly heartbreaking for one of your beloved disciples if a non-lifter impeded their view of you. You are the highlight of their day. To avoid this issue, you must walk into class 10 minutes late.
8:41am – Maintain your form as you walk to your seat! Don’t let the attention get to you. Imagine you are carrying a basketball under each arm. Swing those arms high.
8:45am – Open your computer and head straight to www.bodybuilding.com. Now everyone in your immediate proximity knows that you lift.
8:47am – Pull out your red Tupperware container filled with the prepared meal of chicken and rice that Mum made you last night. You’re not going to eat it though. Just leave it there on the table. Now everyone in your moderate proximity knows that you lift.
8:49am – Pull out your protein shake. Shake it hard, interrupt the tutor if need be. The tutor won’t understand. He doesn’t even lift. If you shake hard and long enough everyone will eventually turn around. This is good! Now everyone in the room knows that you lift! Well done, you have acquired all of their respect.
1:35pm – Lunchtime. Find a central seat where everyone will be able to see you. If possible, situate yourself near some Drama major students. This contrast will allow people to comprehend just how much of a beast you actually are.
1:40pm – Classmates walk past without making direct eye contact. Don’t even worry, they are just intimidated by the sheer size of you. I’m sure they will build up the courage to come say hi soon enough.
1:45pm – You overhear the same classmates talking about a house party they went to over the weekend. That’s fine. Whatever. You didn’t want to go to that party anyway.
4:30pm – The best part of the day. This is what you live for. Gym time. Would you look at that, triceps and biceps for the third time this week. They are the most important muscle groups.
4:35pm – The classmate that ignored you at lunch enters the gym. He seems to be benching more than you. Well, at least now you now know that he is on steroids.
6pm – You go home. Your best friend is waiting for you. You wave. He waves. You wink at him. He winks straight back. You strike a bicep flex. He cranks the same pose! He just understands you like no one else. One day you two will find a way to break the glass so you can finally be together.
10pm – You’re in bed thinking about today’s success. All those people at uni who actually got to see you! How happy must they be! You know what the best part is? You get to do it all again tomorrow. Sweet dreams my prince.