Monthly Archives: May 2017

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UOW: A Procrastinator’s Dream

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Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer ¦ A Smoking Duck Exclusive

So you thought attending UOW was meant to improve your opportunities in life? You thought UOW experience is supposed to enrich your mind for the future and allow you to maximise your studying experience? You have been fed a great deal of incomplete truths about what is really expected to happen in your UOW experience.

It doesn’t matter whether you came to UOW to study, you won’t get any done as there are countless ways to be distracted from that potential doctorate in Political Science or Materials Engineering. The one unofficial academic achievement that will not show up on your transcript is the Bachelor of Procrastination. Some of you will excel in this subject to honours, and even achieve the status of Doctor.

Socialising will be you major of a Bachelor of Procrastination and will have you attending regular events at the unibar from 10am among other professional procrastinators, and the numerous cafes for the scheduled group caffeine injection during study sessions. For those sport lovers, head down to the URAC gym, or get down to the outdoor basketball court near building 3 for some half court b-ball. If you don’t want to be at uni, get on the bus (which just happens to be free) and hit the beach.

Spending time in the fresh winter air, or the summer sun, you will find activities on all the green grass such as lunchtime music by the pond near the library, watching slackliners possibly fall off face first on the jugglers lawn, or getting mugged by the gang of ducks. Besides having the nice landscape of UOW to walk around, there is the Botanical Gardens right next door to assist in courting that girl/boy you met at the party last week. We know that chase is far more fun than chasing a HD for that final exam worth 55% of your grade.

The library will be a terrific place for beginners to learn how to procrastinate by either staring at the ceiling, staring at their computer screen, and staring at the incredibly attractive specimen sitting across from them. More advanced students will learn to go beyond those walls, and venture to the travel agent to delay those HECS repayment a little longer.

UOW is ranked in the top 1% of procrastinating universities in the world.

Dan asked me to write this article back in April, so as you can see, I am also a terrific procrastinator, and he also wants another 100 words but there is a conference with free pizza available so……

University-digree

Top 10 Ranking of University Degrees

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Daniel R.H. ¦ Writer ¦ Top 10s


10. Bachelor of Communications and Media:

Despite BCM essentially being a glorified Arts Degree, and not one prominent figure in the media having wasted their time with this degree, you will leave BCM with the requisite skills of how to create and maintain a social media empire.

[For relevancy, see NSW Police Force Facebook Page].

9. Bachelor of International Studies

The fun of an Arts Degree combined with the pressure of mastering a language.

8. Bachelor of Medicine

Reportedly takes students on average 8 years of study to get their Bachelor of Medicine. Takes only 3 years to get a Bachelor of Arts. This leads me to the conclusion that students of this degree are inept and slow.

7.Bachelor of Laws

The reason this degree ranks so low on this list is not for the degree itself, but because of the students. They are nothing but a bunch of self-important elitists that will name-drop their degree at any chance possible. Trust me, I’d know, I’m a law student.

[p.s. They will earn far less money than they will like to admit]

6. Bachelor of Psychology (Honours)

Psychology students will know why there is a distinction between regular psych and honours psych, and that distinction is, if you don’t maintain a distinction, you may as well have done an Arts degree.

5. Bachelor of Commerce

The degree you choose when you don’t know what you want to do with your life, but you don’t have the work ethic to become a tradie.

4. Bachelor of Creative Arts

Students have the ability to pursue their wildest career ambitions through a Bachelor of Creative Arts. Double this with the fact they will never have to worry about paying off their HECS debt because they will never earn any money, then you’ve got yourself a pretty good degree.

3. Bachelor of Primary Education

A degree that requires you only to work 6 hours a day, gives you 12 weeks holidays a year, and the only catch is you have to be smarter than an 11 year old. Why are teachers striking all the damn time?

2. Bachelor of Engineering

A degree with actual social utility and with a high prospect of entering the workforce on a half decent salary! All you have to do is spend your university years in a degree with a bunch of unattractive, socially awkward males and spend the remainder of your miserable life doing mathematics for 10 hours a day.

1. Bachelor of Arts

Everyone at university knows the reputation this degree has. It has been the punch line of jokes made by pretentious law, medicine, commerce and engineering students for decades. I have made four jokes at their expense just in this list! Yet, people still choose to persist with this degree. That’s the sort of sheer tenacity and resiliency that gives Arts students the #1 rank. The sort of can do, fuck you attitude that people need to make it in the harsh reality that awaits life after university.

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Student Discovers ‘Sports Hub’ Not Just Used For Exams; Also Sports

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Jason B. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

On the cusp of her graduation from a Law degree, 4th year student, Sarah Wickman, has just become the first UOW student to discover that the Sports Hub is used as a sports facility, and not just as a location for exams. She made her recent discovery while accidentally stumbling into the building, looking for anyone who didn’t yet know that she was a law student so she could then inform them that she was, in fact, a law student.

“I always thought it was kind of misleading to call it the ‘sports hub,’” she said of her finding that the hundreds of desks usually in the building had concealed multiple basketball courts.
“But I never thought it would be used for actual sport. Who’d have guessed?” She continued, before going on to question UOW’s decision to utilise the building as a sports center. “Who in their right mind would want to play a game in the same place they ruined all prospects of getting a well paying job by failing the Property Law final? Not exactly much of a home ground advantage in my opinion.”

This discovery is expected to result in drastic changes to the performance of students during exams.

“I mean, yeah, I liked it better when I didn’t know it was a sports building,” said Harry Ram, a philosophy major. “I thought the hoops they had set up were like, totally a metaphor for reaching your career goals and slam dunking the exams. I was super inspired! But now I know those hoops are just used for basketball, it completely ruins it, hey.”