Monthly Archives: October 2017

Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer

“I thought they’d be swooning” Marc says in confidence at a recent Smoking Duck writers meeting. “I’ve been writing these satirical articles all year and I haven’t got laid yet. I go to the parties and tell all the girls, even at Yours and Owls….nothing….I got nothing. Don’t girls love creative comedy gold!?”

Sadness drips from his face in the form of soft, tear-shaped water droplets, as everyone else awkwardly tries to evade consoling Marc.

John decides to eventually interrupt the tiresome sobbing, “Ummm it’s just…it’s just not that impressive to everyone else. If you wanted to get laid, you should have joined a club girls swoon, like the Rugby club, or the Harry Potter club.”

“Why do you think we all change our names when writing our articles? It’s not to be mysterious, it’s so we can’t be traced back to the god-awful material we write”, said the Smoking Duck president, who wishes to remain unnamed for this article.

“Maybe next year it will be cool to write for the Smoking Duck, and then you will get laid,” Josh states with a hopeful uprising in tone at the end of the sentence.

“I’ve told all my friends from other unis that I’m drowning in snapchats from female admirers. Truth be told, joining this club has ruined my chances with any girl. I even got turned down for a graduate job because of the interviewer noticing the Smoking Duck was on my resume. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an article about having sex in the university toilets!?” Marc said sniffling.

As the whimpering continues, the president slowly ushers Marc out the door, sick and tired of his constant yapping. Calling the meeting to an end, he quietly instructs everyone else to not be distracted by the endless fornication that has fortunately come their way since the announcement of the Smoking Duck’s inaugural magazine, and to continue pumping out the great articles.

TheSmokingDuck

Josh L. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

With week 11 approaching on the University Calendar, a snide remark from northern beaches boy Jock Greenaway has today led to open debate in The Yard precinct of UOW.

The comment was reportedly levelled toward the Instagram bio of first year Trangie student Tom Boyle’s absent girlfriend Tess Gilford, which reads “Country girl set loose in the big smoke // T.B // Family.”

With an estimated urban population of 295, 842 as of June 2016, Wollongong (aka God’s Country) is New South Wales’ third largest urban centre, argues Tom, and therefore deserving of the title ‘the big smoke.’ Jock, of Sydney’s glistening northern suburbs, is sick of hearing country students refer to Wollongong as a city.

Jock has the support of Dapto local Alice Kenworth, who reportedly noted that “the only big smoke I’ve seen is coming from those towers over at Illawarra Steel Works, and maybe Albion Park Rail Station of a night haha (sic).”

This debate is by no means a new one, with ‘townie’ students of UOW said to be fed up with the Misleading nicknaming of their coastal centre. To settle the matter, The Smoking Duck approached The University’s London born Vice-Chancellor, Professor Paul Wellings, who put the title to rest.

“Big Smoke?” He quipped, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I love Australia but sometimes you naïve buggers make me laugh.”

More To Come.

TheSmokingDuck

Declan Q. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

‘I feel so sorry for these students. Eyes bloodshot, clearly running on no sleep, I’ve over heard some of them saying they feel “absolutely scattered.” Obviously they have spent all weekend working on the major essay due tomorrow.’ says the tutor, blissfully unaware of her student’s rowdy weekend.

The Tuesday morning following Wollongong’s Yours and Owls festival, sees a rag-tag, lethargic collection of students drag one foot after another into their 9:30 tutorial. But the formation of the United Nations does little to interest the students still labouring under a savage three-day hangover.

The enthusiasm of the tutor was in direct conflict with the physical and psychological state of the students. Most students scroll through Facebook on their Macbooks, and some sit with their forehead planted on the desk, processing the shame.

‘”I gave them all perfect CP for this week. If there utter exhaustion is anything to go by, it seems to be one of the hardest working cohorts I’ve ever had.’ The tutor continued.

TheSmokingDuck