First year Horticulturalist student Brandon Hewitt’s plot to get free parking at UOW backfired horrifically as police, paramedics and confused parking attendants laid siege to his car this morning.
Mr. Hewitt thought he had the perfect scam to get the “three for free” deal:
“We just put a mannequin in the backseat to trick the carpooling attendants.”
“Well we put a hoodie on it. And an iPhone in it’s lap. Looked pretty legit. I just wish I checked the weather forecast.”
Mr. Hewitt attended classes throughout the day, maliciously enjoying his ill gotten free parking with little regard for remorse or human decency. Throughout the day this plan had gone without a hitch. However, as temperatures soared into the 40’s, parking attendants of the Carpooling section were shocked to see someone trapped inside a black car with no windows down, deceived twice by the selfishness of Mr Hewitt.
“By the time I got back to my car,” remarked Mr. Hewitt, “paramedics were smashing the windows in to save Sasha – that’s what I named her.”
“It’s a lovely name,” we replied.
When the paramedics finally smashed into the car, “Sasha” (made of synthetic polymers, not people parts) had melted, resulting in one paramedic vomiting at the scene in what he could only describe as: “A crime against humanity.” The Mannequin’s deformed head dripped onto the shards of the broken window, it’s body literally fused into the cheap plastic of it’s UOW jumper. The ipad, long out of battery power, was a puddle.
Police tried interviewing the parking attendants for their perspective on the events. However, due to language barriers this was never achieved, the police instead were denied entry for not having three persons in the cruiser. The investigation was later carried out on foot.
With what seemingly started as little more than a cheap attempt to cheat the rules and regulations of the carpooling system, ended in a crime against humanity and possible manslaughter case. We asked Mr Hewitt for what message he took from these horrific events:
“Do you have anything to say to anyone who would seek to copy this act?”
“Yeah, crack a fucking window next time.”
Joel Tex: I came, I saw, I made it a little awkward.
Tristan Clemente (no, not French, pork-and-cheese) calls himself an author, but has no novels published in his name. Living proof that you can be a washed up novelist without being successful first, he spends his days completing a useless Arts degree and writing for a low rate satirical news publication that’ll hopefully one day gain traction.