Are you bothered that UOW carparks have become over congested lately? Tired of study rooms booked out when you need a place to nap? Annoyed by people asking pointless questions at lectures that distract you from your facebook browsing? A very optimistic and promising new member of the Young Liberals is bothered. In response, this Mr Smith has proposed a new solution.
“I used to be a very live and let live kind of person. But lately I’ve been thinking, a good third of you can fuck off.” – Mr Smith.
In an exclusive interview in the Young Liberals secret volcano lair, Mr Smith outlined his proposal to our reporters:
“We’re full. Here at Young Liberal HQ we’ve gone through all the more traditional solutions the party has put forward during the years to normally combat this issue: Creating more campus space, better public transportation systems, starve all the poor etc. But as tantalising as those could be in the short term, none were found sufficient for this ever growing menace.”
Mr Smith went on to explain the simplest way to alleviate UOW of it’s current problem was to remove its lowest common denominators.
“Dregs, Sociopaths, Overly enthusiastic mature aged students. Just bad eggs really.”
Smith further explained that after literally hours of science research the correlation between these meddlesome groups was finally discovered. Incredibly complex coffee orders.
“It’s just how annoying people work. Think about it, by the fifth adjustment it isn’t even really coffee anymore. They’re clearly mentally unhinged. I mean what’s the point? At the moment there’s about 400 complicated non- coffee drinkers studying or employed by UOW.”
“And that number is just too high?”
“Precisely, realistically we need to get that number down to 6 or 7. That’s a lot more wiggle room when it comes to parking spaces.”
“A noble sentiment.”
“Thankyou. So anyway we’ve contacted our coffee suppliers and requested for more cyanide than usual to be mixed in.”
For the past week the Young Liberals have begun implementing their scheme, with the independent cafes on campus being more than enthusiastic to thin the troublesome herd.
“If a customer asks for more than two parameters with their coffee, they get the poison. For example:
Skim cappuccino? Safe.
Soy flat white? No problem.
Skim half strength decaf mocha frappuccino? Cyanide. You sicko.
With the poison becoming a promising dose of chlorine for the UOW student pool, the body count is mounting however. In response we asked Mr. Smith how the bodies of the deceased have been dealt with.
“A great question, we’ve been selling them as placeholders in lectures where attendance is compulsory.”
“And this works?”
“Well, they seem more interested than everyone else in there.”
Joel Tex: I came, I saw, I made it a little awkward.
Tristan Clemente (no, not French, pork-and-cheese) calls himself an author, but has no novels published in his name. Living proof that you can be a washed up novelist without being successful first, he spends his days completing a useless Arts degree and writing for a low rate satirical news publication that’ll hopefully one day gain traction.