Half way through his arts degree and already done with life, Moly Moloney has decided to lay down and die in the slowest, most mind-numbing way possible: with student politics.
The 24-year-old – whose only personality trait is the alliteration of his name – says getting into pointless arguments between the Liberals and the Socialists is the best way to become brain dead.
“If I clock enough hours on the internet calling random Liberals cucks and spamming people with memes about communism, I can lose enough brain cells to claim disability benefits,” he said.
When a month of watching back-to-back coverage of Canberra’s leadership crisis failed to fry his brain, Moloney realised the only way out was to get involved in the drama himself.
“It was either this or the army,” he said.
“Between getting blown up and being yelled into a coma, I’ll take student politics any day.”
So far, Moloney has lodged membership applications with the UOW Capitalist Society – an obscure bunch keen on abolishing the minimum wage – and the Wollongong Socialists.
“I figure that if the Socialists have their microphones, I can just just stand in front of them holding pamphlets until my ear-drums burst,” Moloney said.
Socialists president Chloe Rafferty said the club welcomes new recruits for the October killing season, otherwise known as the annual student union elections.
“The Liberals haven’t seen shit. We’re going full revolution this year,” Rafferty said, brandishing her molotov cocktail.
Student politics has seen a surge of interest from undergrads with no hope, overtaking the army as the go-to place for young people looking to destroy their soul.
“It’s a more humane way of degrading yourself,” Moloney said.
“You might hate your existence, but at least the people you argue with don’t usually have explosives.”
May Satan smile on you