Monthly Archives: March 2019

6 Ways to Find Love on UOW Buy and Sell

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Tinder not working for you? As it turns out, there’s something even better!

Talking to an expert team of engineering students, we came up with a list of foolproof ways you can find love on UoW Buy and Sell.

  1. Introduce yourself with a dick pic

When meeting someone for the first time, you want to have a solid ice-breaker. She doesn’t know who you are, so naturally, it’s going to be a little awkward. Try using a dick puppet to spice things up while you’re at it.  

2. Don’t show your face in your profile  

Women love a man of mystery.

3. Strip down to everything but your pants

Because what’s better than having a nearly-naked man looking for a missus brighten up your day while you’re scrolling through Facebook?

4. Make sure to photoshop the jugular

Hubba hubba.

5. Compliment her on her eyes

If you want to be original, try mixing it up with some colourful phrases in broken English, like  “your eyes so beautiful.”

6. If all else fails, be persistent

In the words of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, “Only effort earns the succ.” (sic)

Lost Duck

Vigil to be held for first-years missing in building 19 after week 1

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As UOW veterans know, building 19 is a labyrinth monster-house designed to trap art majors.

The Maze has already claimed 5 first-years, a fifty-year low for an opening week. According to a confidential source from the University, this monster-house uses the students’ lifeforce to feed university board members.

A vigil will be held tonight outside the building’s main entrance hoping for the students’ safe return. However, until these hopeless souls learn to read the maps many will continue to wander these endless corridors for eternity.

Since opening in 1962, first-years have found it harder to navigate the building than to answer how their French literature degree will provide them with future job opportunities.

A spokesperson for UOW said the university was doing everything they could to lower the body count in building 19 this year.

“Students are advised to bring a piece of string or chalk into the building so they don’t lose their bearing. Dropping a bread trail may also help.”

“We must also enforce that these missing students are in no way being used to provide the Vice-Chancellor with immortality,” a UOW spokesperson said.

The numbers of MIA are expected to rise this week as all Law, Humanities and the Arts Department tutorials begin.

Local Fuckboy Discovers UOW Students Buy and Sell isn’t Tinder

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Richard Richards doesn’t understand how women can resist the half-naked selfies he posted on UOW Students Buy and Sell earlier this week.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Richards says. “I photoshopped the bulge and everything.”

Stripped to his Bonds and hunched over his laptop, the part-time student and full-time fuckboy was shocked to discover that women selling furniture on Facebook did not want to become his “missus.”

“I tried to make it extra obvious by typing ‘looking for a missus,’ but all I got was comments asking me to rent a flat in Camden.”

“It’s like they’re not even interested.”

But ever the optimist, Richards says he’s not giving up hope.

“Next time I’m going full frontal nudity! That’ll get their attention!”