Monthly Archives: April 2019

Karl and Jesus3

Socialists to fight Gideons outside the library

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UOW is set for a final showdown between the bible pushing Gideons and Wollongong Socialists this Friday.  

Tensions have been brewing between the two groups over territory rights outside the library over the past few months. 

A spokesperson for the socialists said there would be no holding back for the fight. 

“We’re building a death ring in the Duck Pond especially for the occasion.”  

“Those old shits will wish they never stepped on our turf. We’re geared up enough to overthrow the government.” 

For their part, the Gideons (otherwise known as the bible guys), aren’t backing down either.  

“We’ll deck these heathens,” said seventy-eight-year-old Miles Declan, stroking a box of bibles.    

“As the good Lord once said; ‘Deck the heathen that shit-talks thy name,’” he said.  

Sports Bet predicts even odds ahead of the fight. Half of all betting proceeds will go towards the Flat Earth Society.  

scomo pissing himself

Government to cut youth allowance in fight against student obesity

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Desperate times call for savage measures, says this week’s Prime Minister, Scott Morrison.

The PM announced the youth allowance would be halved in a move to slim down Australia’s university students.

“Countless studies have shown that if you don’t feed uni students, there are going to lose weight.” Morrison said.

“We know it will be difficult, so to make it easier the government will lend each student a shovel so they can bury their friends if they die from malnutrition.”

Staving off suggestions it may not be unethical to starve students, Morrison said it is nothing new.

“These millennials are soft. Back in my day we’d take the fat kids and throw them into a volcano.”

A spokesman for the UOW Liberal Club praised the move, saying it will incentivise a fitness revolution.

“With no money for petrol or public transport, students from as far as Camden will have to trek 12 hours to get to their tutorials. By the time they’ve reached uni, they’ll have lost that extra body weight in no time.”

“Did I mention it’s also eco-friendly?”