Desperate times call for savage measures, says this week’s Prime Minister, Scott Morrison.
The PM announced the youth allowance would be halved in a move to slim down Australia’s university students.
“Countless studies have shown that if you don’t feed uni students, there are going to lose weight.” Morrison said.
“We know it will be difficult, so to make it easier the government will lend each student a shovel so they can bury their friends if they die from malnutrition.”
Staving off suggestions it may not be unethical to starve students, Morrison said it is nothing new.
“These millennials are soft. Back in my day we’d take the fat kids and throw them into a volcano.”
A spokesman for the UOW Liberal Club praised the move, saying it will incentivise a fitness revolution.
“With no money for petrol or public transport, students from as far as Camden will have to trek 12 hours to get to their tutorials. By the time they’ve reached uni, they’ll have lost that extra body weight in no time.”
“Did I mention it’s also eco-friendly?”
May Satan smile on you