UOW Metalhead Mannie Slaughter had her soul involuntarily purged this week after an ambush by local Pentecostals.
The undergrad was lured, along with several other Metalhead club members, to a surprise Hillsong concert after receiving a brochure for Christian rock artist ‘Divine Rapture,’ which she confused for satanic metal.
The brochure promised a performance to “rip your soul out” at Wollongong’s Gateway Church.
Divine Rapture, otherwise known as Giddy Lovejoy, told The Smoking Duck he is making exorcism funky again. He said metalheads were a key target niche for his work.
“We must bring them away from the Devil’s ways of deception and paganism with all the latest gadgets the kids are up to these days,” he said.
Since selling his soul for a marketing degree, Lovejoy has devoted himself to life-long redemption, handing bibles to students by day and forcibly removing their demons by night.
“I perform with style, originality and just a tiny-winey-itty-bitty bit of bullshit,” he said.
The attempt to exorcise Slaughter isn’t the first time Lovejoy has tried to share the love.
In 2015 he was arrested on-campus for pelting a student with bible copies after the student refused the Lovejoy’s offer to cure her of her braces. A few years earlier, Lovejoy was done for tripping a cyclist in an attempt to paralyse then “heal” him to walk again.
Metalhead Slaughter reported Lovejoy had set up an elaborate trap in a church basement.
“I got to this church and thought, yep, they’re goths.”
On the makeshift stage, was Lovejoy, hidden in a brown robe and holding a candle while singing hymns in Hebrew.
“The room was all dark. For some reason I was the only one in black.”
Without warning, the doors were locked, and white dove lights descended on Lovejoy, who threw off his cloak and burst into a funk rendition of Amazing Grace as the Metalheads were hauled on stage.
Slaughter said she now wears a Satanic cross permanently around her neck to ward off campus bible men.
Je suis le Roi de Dapto.
Maintenant que vous avez lu ceci, vous allez apprendre que j’ai perdu votre temps.