God fed-up with students only believing in him during exam period

Daniel R.H. ¦ Writer

God sits in his office cubicle located on the highest, fluffiest cloud in heaven – all three of his outdated office phones are ringing. He sifts through the stacks of paperwork that cover the surface of his desk as his gmail account refreshes on his 2011 mac – another 8 emails have come through in the last minute – he sighs, staring at a ‘hang in there, kitty’ poster blue-tacked to his cubicle’s grey wall

INTERCOM: We have an emergency call for you on line 3, sir. I know you’re busy dealing with the world peace account at the moment, but they say it’s urgent.

GOD: Who is it, Peter?

INTERCOM: It’s John.

GOD: John?

INTERCOM: Law student from the University of Wollongong. Something about needing a miracle to pass his subject.

GOD: Him again? Of all the fucking days.

Answers one of the phones

GOD: Hi John.

JOHN: Good evening oh Almighty God, creator of Earth and all its intricate wonders, how art thou?

GOD: … Look John, I’m really busy.

JOHN: Alright, I’ll be quick. Any chance you can throw me a 3:16 and pass me for this property law exam tomorrow?

God rubs his eyes in frustration

GOD: Have you not been watching the news? Do you know how crazy things have got lately? Shit’s hit the fan. I have England and Iraq on hold on the other lines. I’m getting prayers to kill Donald Trump. I am also getting prayers to make him the immortal Führer of the new world. I looked away from the Soloman Islands for two minutes and now half of them are gone! And apparently all my prayers from Africa have been getting sent to my spam folder. I have no idea how long this has been happening for!

JOHN: Yeah, nah God I understand that, but I really need a solid here hey.


JOHN: And I reaaaaally appreciate that, but I just need one more and I’ll get my shit together next semester. I’ll start doing my readings and I’ll call in more often, promise! Look, I’ve actually done really well in everything but this and another three subjects I’m taking.

GOD: I really don’t have time for this. You’re the tenth call I’ve had from this class already, and I’m not even mentioning the calls from students in ECON215 or FIN323.

JOHN: My point exactly! How can they expect you to do 80 pages of readings a week without some sort of divine intervention?

GOD: sighs … OK. If I grant you and your class mates a miracle, will you promise to call in more often than just two weeks in June and November? And can you also stop using the death of my Son as an excuse to get mortally drunk for 3 days straight.

JOHN: I think I speak on behalf of everyone at UOW when I say that we can abide by those promises, and unlike last semester, we truly do mean it this time!

GOD: Alright, well I’ve finalised your grade for the subject as a 52. So can you make sure to keep good on those promi…

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